I’m not the type of person to dwell on the “what if’s.” What if they meant this or what if it meant that. Maybe I take that back I think we all think about the “what if’s” we just don’t all think about the negative assumptions. It’s as simple as this, you fall down and you’re either horrified and decide you just made the biggest idiot of yourself and everyone is going to think you are a klutz or you laugh out loud to yourself and think that was hilarious and it skips your mind immediately after. Certainly we all worry about things, let’s be honest we are human. My point is, I’m flattered that someone would think that I have a perfect life. What this just says to me is that I choose to look at the bright side and my attitude must be in check. I’d rather look up and see the bright and shining stars than to ever have to look down.

They say sometimes the ones who love you the most can hurt you the most. It’s not typically out of hostility, at least I sure hope not.  Still they aren’t the ones that cut the deepest, we are of our selves. Let’s be honest here, we are our own worst enemies. I recognize this and I fight it all the time. I’m afraid of rejection, being unfairly judged and failure. I believe my fear of failure has been motivating for me and is one reason why I push myself so much. What is not healthy is how affected I am by what others think of me, or at least what I think they “might” think of me. It really is all in my mind, I’m not good enough, pretty enough, smart enough. If I can get over the fear of what others think I believe I can overcome many of my life obstacles and reach my stars. Of course people are going to say bad things, they will and I would be lying to myself if I said they weren’t. If accepting it allows me to overcome it than that is just what I am going to have to do. I can do this and I will do this.

I grew up with my father in Grand Rapids, MI with my little sister Katy. We didn’t have much growing up but we sure had a close love for each other. When I say we didn’t have much, I think that is an under statement. I use to be horribly embarrassed about my upbringing yet that is about to change because that fear is my past, I am proud where I came from. I grew up in an Apollo motor home, yes the kind on wheels. My home was often a nearby Kmart parking lot or a KOA if we needed to hook up to electricity. This all was something that we didn’t talk about much with others in fear of being taken away from my father. My father use to remove the table in our motor home & turn it into a stage for my sister and I, he was convinced that we were going to grow up to be country western singers.

I was in the 6th grade when my world came crashing down. After dropping me off to school he had a heart attack. When rushed to the ER his brother operated on him and was not able to save his life. I didn’t think at this point in my life that I would be able to survive my own broken heart. Once again another path was turned around. I gave up my singing and stopped listening to country western.

It took several years to get myself back on the right path. It was hard to explain how close I was with my father and kept most things quite, my sisters and I didn’t even talk about it. I now lived with my mother, older sister Stacey and my sister Katy in Washington State. My mom did her best trying to raise us, low income housing and multiple jobs was the only way. At the age of 14, instead of following my dream of STARS, I felt it was my obligation to start to work. I would walk back and forth from work every day and never complained once.

There was a modeling contest held at the mall one summer. I thought if I won I could start my path, they would see my personality and I could shine. I entered and ranked in the top. From there I started doing runway shows locally and was asked to pose in showcase windows of stores as a mannequin model. It was fun yet it didn’t make enough money to allow me to stop working, it all caught up. I remember how mean kids in school would be. I would get nasty messages teasing me about modeling and girls calling me super model wannabe. My self-confidence was just coming back to be taken back down.

I cried on my 25th birthday, I was old… so old and my life and my opportunities were over. I thought I should give it one more chance so I got an agent in Kirkland, WA and started in acting classes. I would drive down every weekend and never missed one. I was asked to audition for an upcoming Warner Brothers reality TV show that was coming out. I went on several auditions and made the cut. Soon after I became very sick. I was diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease and thought my life was over. I was by myself when my doctor told me and I remember walking down the stairs almost falling down because I couldn’t see though my tears.

For 3 years following I tried my new life with being on and off again severely sick. I started to get claustrophobia and built up anxiety. I went back to the doctor to try to get a better understanding how I was supposed to live like this, my STARs were falling. After further testing I was undiagnosed with Crohn’s and was told I was lactose intolerant, seriously. My anxiety already formed at this point so life was different and I was left with fighting the damage it already did on me.

You know what comes next, love and marriage and the baby carriage. Life, that is what happened to me. Not that this was the wrong path, it’s been a great path.

So, did I stop dreaming in STARS? No way, they shine on me every night and it’s my time again yet it’s THE time, my time. I will take my life’s path and go horizontal with my dream path. It’s my time in my life to continue to dream in STARS. Want to follow my progress, I’d love the support, encouragement and love. Blaaaaaahhhhh that was my serious side on to being ME.

I’m the host of Talk It Up TV which I’ll write about my experiences behind the scenes. I also started Talk It Up Productions to help others get into video. I’ve surrounded myself with a very supportive and talented team and together we all dream in STARS. I will also be bringing out my inner child in other roles that I will find. I will discover the world of self teaching and being taught.

Thanks for reading this XO,

Anny Havland

Last week I had the privileged of having Travis Lofland, Deadliest Deckhand from the reality TV show the Deadliest Catch, cook for us in my kitchen. Coming April 2012 his cookbook Catch is expected to hit the stands. I am pretty sure that if we ask nice he might consider coming back for a book signing, I think I’ll be calling in for that favor. My co-host Bob and I might have had a tinsy bit to much fun filming this show. With the 3 of our personalities we could’ve taken over the world that day, well close to at least. He demonstrated for us how to cook one of his favorite recipes, Rockin Fire Roasted Crab Bisque. Don’t think it stopped there because he had a surprise desert lined up, just my style, Ruby Red Basil Lemon Martini’s. Oh doctor, guess you’ll have to watch for yourselves.

Enjoy,

Anny